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Tell Us How You Really Feel!!

So a long time ago I discovered that the best way to let my emotions out is through writing. Everyone has their outlet, whether its be alcohol, sex, snuggling with your cat, crack, or working out. My anger and aggression happens to be expressed best through words and I have been doing that since the 2nd grade. My first diary entry is from when I was 7 years old, scribbling about how pissed I was that “Stephen has slapped a caterpillar on me at recess and got green blood on my arm.” At that time I couldn’t even come close to spelling caterpillar correctly and Spell Check just kindly reminded me that not much has changed. 

I would say one of my most prized possessions are my diaries because first off, they are fucking hilarious, and secondly it’s fun to look back and see how your biggest problems in life have changed ohh soo drastically. People don’t keep diaries anymore. They either use this blog shit, Facebook, or Twitter to look back at what they were doing on a certain day at an exact time. Pictures are the new Diary. Cray. What are you gonna show your grandchildren your tagged photos and your LiveJournal? AHAH. Don’t get me wrong, technology has made memory making so much easier, but sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever get back to basics. I guarantee you Diary making companies are pissed (if they exist). 

Again I would like to add that I don’t really know exactly where I’m going with this. I’m expressing my emotions right this second and I clearly have to idea how I’m feeling. But maybe I will stop and take a second and list 10 feelings i’ve had today and explain why, so I can show my grandchildren. I encourage you all to do the same and comment if you have so I can read!!!

1. Lazy - I went to bed early and woke up early and I was pretty awake, but I sure as hell did not want to get my ass up out of bed!

2. Inspired- I like to listen to beats while I’m in the shower and write lyrics to them while I’m conditioning. I wrote a song about my Mom and finally found the perfect beat, sang it in the shower into my razor and it was magical.

3. Anxious- I’m late to work and I needed to make it there before my Dad so he can think I was there the whole time and still pay me for that hour I was listening to Matty In The Morning and doing my makeup.

4. Irritated- Dad came into work shortly after me (thank God) with a stick up his ass. He hates coming to work, and I hate coming to work when he hates coming to work because hes an asshole until lunch time.

5. Obese- Dad knows very well that i’m on a strict diet and feels that it’s necessary to bring me a Sausage Egg and Cheese on a fucking croissant for breakfast. I can’t complain because keep in mind, he’s not in a great mood, and I am not one to turn down any sort of free food. Going hard at the gym tonight.

6. Disgusted- My Dad’s secretary has a serious dandruff problem and I can accept that but for Christ’s Sake get some Head & Shoulders lady!! If a child lived on her shoulder it would have a snow day everyday, put it that way. I feel bad, but EW.

7. Loved- A great thing about working in a family business is you get to see family members you really like. I love my grandfather, and he makes me laugh really hard. His one liners are hilarious and he told me I should get a job at the airport but they’d probably tell me to “take-off” Get it? Nobody loves me more than my Beepa. Fact.

8. Like I’m going to be Kidnapped- I had to go up the street and grab lunch for Head&Shoulders and it made me quite nervous. People were beeping and yelling “you too cute to be walkin” out of their hoopdees. Mind you, I’m wearing a pink collared Polo shirt. One of these things is not like the other. 

9. Rich- I just got my paycheck!! 

10. Sarcastic- See “9” and change the rich to its opposite and take away the exclamations and add a period followed by a sad face.





Thoughts on Love

     

  Does anyone remember the days when true love meant “til death do us part” and when “til death do us part” actually meant “until one of us keels over and dies we are going to deal with all of life’s bullshit, together”? You know, the days when a wedding was a celebration of the beginning of an eternity of love and not just a two hour Kardashian special and a tax deduction? LOL, no seriously i’m laughing out loud at how ridiculous this shit is. Two gay people who actually love each other dearly CANNOT get married in most states but someone bitch who wants to rake in a couple Mill off of a TV wedding can marry any goon she wants just for show?! God is laughing at you Kim, and i’m sure He thought your headband looked ridiculous. 

 When’s the last time you were swept off your feet and the person who did so didn’t turn into a drug addict, a complete psycho, a landscaper, or a future dead beat father of a child carried by a donkey? All of the above? I’m sorry girlfrand! My parents have been married 26 years and I’ve seen them deal with a whole bunch of shit together. How they are still together is beyond me, but what keeps them together I guess is some sort of super glue they call “love.” My grandparents have been married 53 years. They met doing Coke at a Pharmacy, you know, the good ‘ol days when Coke was ingested in liquid form and did not involve hollering “Ayo for Yayo?”

I’ll never forget this lady I worked with at a restaurant when I was 21. She was asking why I was single and what I looked for in a guy and then proceeded to tell me that “your expectations of love are so unrealistic” as she walked away with her pathetic, graying ponytail swaying in the breeze. When she said that, I really started to wonder if she was right. Had I watched The Notebook one too many times? I’m not retarded, I know love isn’t a Fairytale, but I also know that love shouldn’t make you feel like absolute shit. This same lady was a single parent of a 9yro, who’s ex husband cheated on her with the neighbor (who she was dear friends with) and later moved away with and had two more children with her. SHE was telling ME that my expectations of love are unrealistic? Maybe she should have expected a little more out of a man. Biiitch.

I have seen my family and friends in so many relationships that leave them crying on my shoulder over and over again. I’ve never cried over a guy breaking my heart, and I hopefully never will. I completely envy my friends for being so brave to put themselves out there so many times, living and learning. But the same people that tell me “you need a boyfriend” are the same people who’s lives are made miserable by a guy. I’m not the kind of girl who hates men. I love them, a lot actually and I’ve known like two whole good ones! I strongly believe that one day I will find the love of my life and I will be with him forever. I’m not going to find him drunk in a bar like “ehhh I guess he’s cute, he’s giving me attention so maybe i’ll let him hide the weenie.” NOT GONNA HAPPEN. He’s going to sweep me off of my feet and I’m going to love everything about him. What the fuck is the point if you don’t? I’m not the type to settle to go on a few dates and I have someone call me “pretty” just because I’m insecure. I’m going to wake up every morning with this kid. He is going to see me without my weave and make-up and he is going to love it. My family is going to love him, and we are going to make Noelle, Tayleigh, Brooklyn & the Jr. of his choice.

    Call me unrealistic, call me whatever the helll you please, but if I can’t see my ashes being spread with this fucker then it’s a no-go. ;)





Inspiration for my New Restaurant!





Thoughts on Homosexuality.

       

          I am a love expert, mostly because I avoid it at all costs. I’ve tried countless times to be a lesbian but the thought of a big mouthed bass between someone else’s legs disturbs me quite a bit. I already have a vagina and that alone is too much to handle. I do like the idea of sharing clothes and tampons, but lets not forget the Filet-O-Fish is a seasonal treat for a reason, right Ronald? Don’t get me wrong, I am not by any means knocking lesbians. They are actually my favorite subculture of human beings because they don’t give a fuck, literally. Well, without strap-ons.. but you know what I’m saying.

        There are two kinds of lesbians, real ones and fake ones. The real ones don’t have a choice, they were born to not give a fuck about Barbies, or prom, or dicks, or drama, or skirts, or *NSYNC. The fake ones, on the other hand, are horny little bitches with Daddy issues. They claim they don’t like men because they’ve been “did wrong” but that’s usually what happens when you fuck ex-cons and Chris Brown’s. Fake ones turn to clam slamming as a horned up last resort and they usually engage in this act aggressively often leaving their partner with a fat lip. hahaha.. I had to. REAL lesbians are the shit. I once found myself at an event called “Dyke Night” (don’t ask) and it was the most incredible atmosphere ever. Everyone was so real, so nice, and so genuine. No flashy dramatic bullshit like you find with some gay guys. There is no need to compete and put on a show when a. You are secure with yourself and b. You don’t give a fuck about other people you’re just trying to get your drink & sciss on! I left that night with some new friends, a solid buzz, and a flat-screen TV (seriously). 

       Don’t get me wrong, I also LOVE my gays. I don’t know what it is about me but gay men have always been drawn to me. I don’t know if its my spray tan, my ferocious weave or my undying love for all things Mariah Carey (yes, even Glitter) but I seem to be the reining queen of all Fag Hags. Every gay guy I know “hates the scene.” I don’t blame them, its fucking exhausting! Which is why I accompany them to gay clubs and smuggle in enough Jager to make all the sequins, faux-halks, skinny jeans, Virginia Slims and Cher techno remixes a little easier to bare. We typically blackout and dance on stage like complete and utter assholes. I never even have to worry about my vagina hanging out because nobody is looking at me anyways. I once danced so hard to “When Love Takes Over”,in 6 inch heels and a vest that made me look like a Couture polar bear, that I fell off of the stage and hit my head. I quickly regained consciousness, patted my weave to ensure that it was still intact, and looked up only to find that nobody had fucking skipped a beat. Now if this had happened at a straight club I would have at least awoken to a middle-aged Haitians mans helpful hand up my skirt. I was a little disappointed, to say the least.

I don’t know why or how I got on this topic. I took an Adderall today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll blog about other stimulants that I’m fond of. Until next time…xo Ciao,Bella

PS- If this blog offends you then you can suck my hypothetical dick. If you are straight and offended, get a life. If you are gay and offended, realize that I like you better than most people and hit me up so we can hang out sometime. I’ll bring the SkinnyGirl Margs.



#gays  #lesbians  #homosexuality  #vagina  #adderall  #Filet-o-fish  #Virginia Slims  #Skinny Girl Margaritas  #big mouthed bass  


FAME EQUATION

I’m not famous, but I could be if I acted like a bigger douche-bag than I already am and didn’t eat so many nachos. Well I guess I could still eat the nachos if I had a stronger gag reflex, but that’s a story for another day. I’ve been studying some statistics and putting together some pie graphs and Pythagorean theoruming some shit and I’ve come to the conclusion that I have found the FAME EQUATION. Here goes it… whore+sex tape= FAME. It can be a masturbation sex tape too, which is pretty easy to do these days seeing that it only requires some fingers and a Blackberry. So literally, FAME is right at your fingertips! EVERYONE GET FLICKIN’!!

Once you have made the sex tape you are gonna need to go on Facebook & Twitter and become friends with as many people as Mark Zuckerberg will permit. You are going to wanna put up an extremely degrading and revealing picture as your main picture because let’s face it, people only wanna be your friend if your tits are hanging out. Try DMing a celebrity like Ryan Seacrest, Chris Colfer, or Barack Obama, someone who seems horny. Start saying some really filthy shit. For example, “We should get together sometime and watch Two & A Half Men and I’ll let you jizz Two & a Half times on my pepperoni nipples.” Who the fuck would say no to that?!

Once you have engaged in some filth via world wide web you are going to save the conversation, and sell it to TMZ or another illegitimate news outlet of your choice. If you can get this person to send you a picture of their grundle you might as well just pick out your plot for a star on Hollywood Boulevard right now. This will get you a little bit of recognition and the world will start buzzing like your big black vibrator did last night, whore. Then, you are to release your sex tape. Send it around, but pretend someone else is trying to blackmail you and you’re really upset about it and you feel really fucking violated and abused. You’re not here to look like a desperate whore who sold her own sex tape, you are just here to masturbate. HEY EVERYBODY DOES IT! (Haha you should take a poop on camera too just because that would be hilarious and it would set you apart from all the other hoes. Just a thought.) You may start to feel a little tinge of guilt because there are wars going on and millions of homeless, starving, and dying people in this country but people don’t care about that, they care about your puss.

You are now famous, and you’re welcome. You will soon have a reality show and a perfume line. You have also safely secured yourself a spot on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars and next years Celebrity Rehab. You’ll probably also get a deal with Walmart or Kohls selling clothing to young girls who’s fathers diddle themselves to your videos while their wives are watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians (ironic ey?). God Bless America!



#Kim Kardashian  #Paris Hilton  #sex tape  #how to be famous  #whores  #sex  #Kohls  #Walmart  #masturbation  #Blackberry  #Keeping Up With The Kardashians  


Boston Athletes I Would Pork

Tom Brady- Name a girl, or guy, who wouldn’t let Tom Brady stick it in the biscuit. I don’t need to explain, look at his fucking face! We’d both be wearing UGGS and we’d role play. I’d be Peyton Manning and I would let him chase me around for awhile like “noooo Tommy stoppp you’re such a bad little dirty boy” and he’d be like “yaaaa you naughty little bitch you like it huh you like ittt who’s your Daddy I’m about to ohhh..touchdown!” Or something like that.

Rajon Rondo- There is something about Rondo that gets me all horned up. I’m not sure if its the way I love screaming “RONNNDDOOOOOOOO!!!” when he hits a 3pointer or the way his face resembles the main character in my favorite childhood movie, E.T. His Championship ring really brings out his face and he has the potential to have a very long career (not to mention penis). I feel like we will hang out with Khloe and Lamar and I’d be on Basketball Wives so I’m pretty excited for this.

Jonathan Papelbon- Because if he bones anything like he dances I’m willing to take this relationship to the next level. Everytime he pitches a no hitter & does a little jig I’ll grant him anal access.

Jason Varitek- I don’t have much to say regarding this potential penetration besides, have you seen his thighs? With his fucking hamstrings I feel like a single hump would put me in a coma, and i’d like it. He can put his big meaty muscley ball (ew) in my glove…hehe ;)

Brad Marchand. Okay so he’s not drop dead fucking stunning but I thoroughly enjoy his party ethic. The guy knows how to do it. We’ve all heard stories of his escapades post Stanley Cup Championship…I think I would enjoy getting wasted and boning him and then waking up to a bed in which we both peed in. We’d order room service with a $100,000 bottle of champagne to make mimosas and the suite would smell of hockey bag and sweet, sweet glory.

Here in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts we win titles, often. So if you aren’t from the 508, 617, or 781 feel free to email me with questions regarding parades. Don’t come at me with that “what about the 413?!” Western Mass doesn’t count as Massachusetts, go back harvesting your corn and putting scrunchies in your pubic hair. Anyways, it is very unlikely that you find a girl from Boston who doesn’t like sports. What’s not to like? Beer? Drunk Massholes who pay for your beer? Guys in spandex shit? Tom Brady in Uggs? Milan Lucic spewing champagne all over your titties from a Duck Boat? It’s overall just a pretty great thing.

In all seriousness I have seen the Red Sox win a 2 World Series after we reversed the 86 year curse, the Pats win atleast 2 Superbowls, the Celtics take the Lakers all the way go Game 7 of the championship and spank them, and the Bruins win the Stanley mo’fuckin Cup for the first time in 39 years. Dare I say that my generation has been the luckiest generation of Boston Sports fans in history?? Whenever I am not in Boston and talk about sports guys are always like “omggggg you’re a girl who likes sports lets fuck and i’ll poke a hole in the condom so we can make athletic little bambinos.” Listen pal it’s not a hobby, Boston Sports are a lifestyle. WINNING, is a lifestyle. Loser.



#tom brady  #brad marchand  #rajon rondo  #jason varitek  #jonathan papelbon  #sports  #sex  #boston  #parades  #winning  


Nobody Cares!

      

 Sorry I haven’t blogged in quite some time. My laptop shit its pants and stopped working, although I’m sure none of you give a fuck. Lately I have been thinking about things that you might think that people care about but they don’t. Nobody wants to hear you talk about yourself for hours, not even your own mother. Also, nobody wants to read your Facebook statuses detailing every waking minute of your life. Nobody cares if your dog just got a red rocket and shit on your asian neighbors crab grass, unless they’re a very disturbed fucking person. We are pretty friggin selfish people by nature, Jesus Christ didn’t get to where he is by caring about other people. Adam and Eve didn’t particularly want to start up the human race, they were just selfishly trying to get their nut, or apple.

       The best way to get someone to like you or pay attention to what you are saying is to talk about THEM. Tell them their hair looks fucking awesome, reminisce on a time where they did something they thought was cool or funny, bring up the story they tell everyone. If you are the type of person who ONLY talks about yourself and diverts anything someone else says back to yourself then you fucking suck. I hate you, and I never wanna hang out with you.

Example-

Friend 1- “Ugh I went out Saturday night and ended up participating and a giant gang bang and I took a test and I’m pregnant, I’m so ashamed. On top of that I think I got crabs. How do I find out who the father is!?!”

Friend 2- “Really? haha remember that time I fucked Ernie and then hooked up with Burt in the bathtub and had a baby with a really weird looking nose and then Big Bird came along and was like ‘Hi’ and I was like ‘heyyyy Big Bird how are you?’ and He was like ‘Ohhh I’m good I just hung out with Oscar, he was in a really bad mood so I was like come out of your trash can and smoke a J with me.’ That was so funny remember that? What what were you just talking about I was texting.”

This is why I have 5 friends.





Footwear Limbo.

                 Today is a very difficult day for my head, my heart, and most importantly, my feet. My feets, my meat slabs, my tootsies, my phalanges, my tibia and fibula, my piggy toes, my donkey knuckles. Okay, so I made that last one up but it sounds fucking hilarious when said aloud. Anywho, it is September 7th, a chilly, rainy day here in Boston and I’m really friggin stressed out. Why, you ask? Well you see, I’m stuck in what I’d like to call “Footwear Limbo.” Flip-flops or UGGs? Does my ‘piggy who went to the market’ and my ‘piggy who cried all the way home’ wanna straddle the glorious rubbery plastic of my Old Navy flip-flop? Or do my precious size 7ers wanna be enveloped in the warm sheepskin bosom known as my chestnut colored UGGs? As I stood there on my naked and confused feet I discovered THESE Bad Larry’s and all my worries seemed to disappear. Then I proceeded to get really horny and place an order.



#Uggs  #flip flops  #old navy  #horny  #boston  #feet  #Ugg flip flops  


Anyone Can Be Pretty.

I’m here to make your day. Look at yourself in the mirror. Don’t like what you see? It’s fine, you can actually look decent with the use of one key ingredient. MONEY! So go out there, chase that cheddar, and start lookin better. Simply just change EVERYTHING about yourself, wear a shit ton of makeup, dye your hair and get a weave, tan the shit out of your skin, get some veneers, starve yourself, and get a boob job! You’ll look fantastic! Simple as that! Now get to the corner and start working you ugly biatch!



#ugly  #pretty  #beyonce  #kate gosselin  #kim kardashian  #jennifer lopez  #blake lively  #hair extensions  #tanning  #makeup  #platic surgery  


@JoJoIsTheWay…. to my heart.

     I’m not sure if she is aware of it yet, because she is just so busy in the studio, but Joanna “JoJo” Levesque is my best friend.

     We are so close that I once tried to make out with her but she told me to Leave (Get Out). I took The High Road and left and learned How To Touch A Girl correctly, but it was just Too Little Too Late. I mean, It was just a Good Ol’ attempt to get to know her In The Dark so you really Can’t Take That Away From Me. I didn’t mean Anything by it, I’m really not Like That. Note To God- I swear I’m Not That Kinda Girl, it’s just that All I Want Is Everything and my love tank was Running On Empty. Ugh… I guess it was Just A Dream that turned into a Disaster. When Does It Go Away?! Apparently I’m just some Other Chick to you JoJo, but if you wanna Paint meet me in Marvin’s Room (remix). Okay, I’m Losing Control I need to make like a fucking Paper Airplane and Fly Away.

     Anyways…We have been friends since that fateful day in 2004 when I turned on Kiss108 FM and heard “DoDoLoo Do Do DoDoLoo Do Do DoDoLoo Do Do Doo”. If you don’t know what I’m referring to A. Get your shit together or B. Take a music class. To people who live under rocks “JoJo is back.” To us faithful Train Jumpers “She never went anywhere asshole do you not watch Lifetime?”. CUTTING TO THE CHASE!

JoJo’s new INCREDIBLE single ”Disaster” which Jo herself describes as “Too Little Too Late’s edgier cousin who has tattoos and piercings, but they still hang out” was just released to radio this past Monday and will be available on ITunes September 6th! She will also be coming to a city near you on her tour with Joe Jonas so check her out! HOMEGIRL IS LOOKIN’ AND SOUNDIN’ BANGIN’ THESE DAYS DOING US PROUD HERE IN BOSTON!!! Get ‘em girlfrand.



#Boston,  #JoJo  #Joanna Levesque  #Jumping Trains  #Disaster  #Joe Jonas